|
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
|
These are some great books to encourage you.
|
|
 |
Empty Arms - by Kelly Goswick
Posted on Saturday, December 20 @ 17:35:42 PST by DancingQueen |
|
Two perfectly formed little bodies, two teeny noses, four tiny hands with five fingers each - identical in every way - lay lifeless like dolls. Everything and everyone else in that room was a blur to me, all my attention was focused on how beautiful my baby boys were and how much they looked like their daddy. I knew the room was filled with family; I could sense their silent tears. I reached out and softly touched the fingers of the twin closest to me. It was like a dream; it happened so fast. One day I was anticipating the arrival of our babies and the next I was mourning their deaths. My mind wandered back six months, when I first found out I was having twins.
During the forty minute drive home from the doctor's office I must have gone through every emotion imaginable. I cried and laughed simultaneously. I realize that is an oxymoron, but it happened nonetheless. I wouldn't have believed it unless I heard it with my own ears - two distinct heart beats; two tiny lives being formed within my womb.
My husband and I had tried to have children for almost two years when I became pregnant the first time. Joy turned to sadness a few short weeks later when I miscarried our first child. It was a hard blow. Over and over again we asked God the familiar question – Why? – Without receiving an answer.
Sadness and emptiness turned to joy once again when we found out I was pregnant for a second time. I counted the days of my first trimester spending a good amount of time on my knees in prayer. Relief flooded over me when I passed that first pregnancy milestone without incident. We rejoiced that God had heard our prayers from our broken hearts and created life once again within my womb.
When the doctor and I heard two heart beats, words can not express the feelings that came over me. When my husband came home from work that evening and I told him the news he said God was blessing us with two children to take the place of the one whom He took home to heaven.
Preparations for twins began. We started looking in second-hand stores and the classified ads for cribs, strollers, and such. Emotionally I was preparing as well. I wasn't at all sure I was capable to handle two little ones at the same time, but I knew that God would surely help me. After all, He doesn't make mistakes, so if I was carrying twins then He obviously knew I could handle it.
The pregnancy went along quite nicely. I was gaining the right amount of weight and the babies were growing according to schedule. They were quite active; always kicking and jostling around. I often wondered if that is how it was for Rebekah while she carried Jacob and Esau.
A few weeks after hearing the heart beats I had an ultrasound done. There they were wriggling around and kicking each other on the screen; identical twin boys. What a joy! Everything was normal and everyone was healthy. I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that I had passed all danger of miscarriage. I could rest easy now and look forward to becoming a mother.
One day while I was visiting my mother, I noticed that the boys hadn't jumped around like little ninjas all morning. I was concerned but not worried. I did, however, feel it would be a good idea to let my doctor know. When I called his office and told them about the boys' lack of movement I was told to go straight to the hospital for an ultrasound, just to be on the side of caution.
Everything happened so fast yet in slow motion at the same time; yes, another oxymoron. My babies, my precious little boys were both dead at 24 weeks gestation. Frankly, much of what took place from that moment on is a blur to me. I was scheduled for labor to be induced the next morning. Shock set in. I remember telling my husband on the way to the hospital that following morning that I didn't want to ever try to have kids again. Unless you have experienced the death of a child, born or unborn, you can not relate to the utter hopelessness and emptiness that envelops your entire being.
After a painful, drug induced labor I gave birth to two beautiful, perfect and absolutely identical stillborn baby boys. The doctor said their umbilical cords had gotten tied in a knot and they had suffocated themselves. Then he had the nurse bring the babies in the room and our family joined my husband and me to say our hellos and our goodbyes to our sons.
Like I said earlier, shock had set in and I wasn't thinking all that clearly. I didn't think to bring a camera so I have nothing except my fading memory of what they looked like. I do, however, remember their little noses because they were just like my husband's nose. When asked if I wanted to hold my babies I declined. I was afraid they would feel cold and dead. That is the one thing that I will always regret until the day that I die.
When I was finally moved to a private room to recuperate, my husband and family members went home to get some rest. I was alone; very alone and shock had turned to depression. The records clerk came in to ask about arrangements. They needed to know right away and so I was forced to make the decision on my own. I decided to have the bodies cremated. I didn't feel a need for a funeral. When asked their names I told them there were no names so she put baby one and baby two on the death certificates. When that lady walked out the door; I fell apart. In desperation, I cried out to Jesus and He came to me. I couldn't see Him, but He was in that room with me. He lay down on that hospital bed beside me and cradled me in His loving arms. I couldn't see Him, but I could physically feel His arms around me. I still went through the grieving process and I think about my boys to this day, but from that moment on all my doubts of a loving and caring God and all my anger toward Him was gone. I don't understand why He chose to take my children to heaven before I had a chance to be a mother to them, but I have accepted the reality that I don't have to understand. It is enough to know that whatever befalls me, He is there beside me; holding me.
My empty arms, filled with Jesus' arms of love that tragic day, did not remain void. God has blessed us since that day with two sons and a daughter. Because of Jesus' death and resurrection I am assured that when I arrive at my home in heaven I will be reunited with not only the three children I raised here on earth, but the three whom God has cared for in heaven.
Note: Kelly Goswick is a freelance writer and stay-at-home wife and mother. She lives near Prescott, Arizona; the same place where she was born and raised. She and Bryon, her husband of 25 years, have three children - Ty, Clancy, and Kelsy. She has worked with children and youth ministries for over 20 years, as well as home-schooling her three children. Her first book, a youth novel entitled Kimimela, was published in January 2008. Go to www.kellygoswick.com for more information about her book or to contact Kelly.
|
| |
Average Score: 5
Votes: 3
|
|
|
